I got my Tarot read from a psychic.
On our second trip to Jefferson, one of the big pulls bringing us back was getting my fortune read. This same psychic did a reading for my mom last year and did a pretty good job at convincing us she was something special. My (Christian) mother was so stunned and appreciative of this tarot experience, she was dying to have me get my own cards read. And you know, I’m into all things that might help me discover more about myself, life, or my journey. I’m also into (potentially) good stories.
As soon as I got in the shop, I was suddenly so nervous. When she [who we will call Claire] asked why, I answered, “I’m afraid you’ll tell me something concrete. Something that I can’t change.” Basically, I’m a control freak, and while I love the idea of fate, I’m much more practically minded. I like making decisions, trying things, and never being complacent. Claire confirmed that she never reads people’s futures, only tells them about the current path they’re on and ways to change it. (Spoiler alert: she lied. She did “read my future,” and she did give me concretes.)
I’m there for Claire to read my tarot and her answer puts me at ease. I want to know the purpose of my path. She’d told my mother last year that my mom’s [life] goal was to learn balance. (In retrospect, this is everyone’s, duh. But at the time I thought this was a great lesson for my mom.) So three of us head back into her reading room, I take a seat, Claire shuffles the cards, and I work on my poker face. I want this to be as “authentic” as it can be – which means I’m not chatting, I’m not making any facial expressions, and I’m locking down all stray thoughts. I am ready for what the cards may show.
Claire asks, “what would you most like to know about?” Which is an interesting question since we’d just talked about my interest in my life’s path, so I scramble and say, “my creative pursuits.” Both of us pause at my answer; me because I realize how much the stresses of those pursuits have been weighing me down, and her because it’s an answer she’s never gotten before. At her confusion, I expand this to, “my writing projects, my blog, articles, along that vein.” This turned into my first warning sign because she kind of chuckled and said, “I’ve never been asked about someone’s hobbies before.”
It definitely bristled me the wrong way, mainly because it was such a condescending way to respond. I’m at a point where I’m getting paid for these creative pursuits, so it’s not just a “hobby,” which makes it sound like I build train sets in my basement. However, I let it slide because I was stressed enough about those pursuits, and she was just a stranger. If I’m still at a point where I’m anxious to defend them, how can I expect anyone else to really get it.
I cut the deck, she dealt her circle out, and then it was time to read them. I waited with nothing from her for a good minute. Then – my second warning sign. Instead of telling me what she drew, she peered at me from behind her rhinestone Target glasses. “How old are you?” I told her my age, wondering why that should matter. “And what’s your sign?”
The funny thing about that is – why on earth should it matter? I think she’d begun grasping at some box to fit me into. As you all may know, I’m a Gemini. Not the most notorious sign – but we do have a bit of a reputation if you’re into astrological signs at all. I identify pretty strongly, mainly in the way that I’m two-minded when it comes to most things. I’m creative, yet logical. I carefully plan, yet am pretty easygoing. Almost every personality test I take, I fit two categories (usually the opposites) perfectly matched.
Using my sign, she read my main struggle in life, which apparently was blowing up on people. Per my center cards, I had the reoccurring issue of blowing up on the people in my life. If something upset me, I was quick to anger, unleash my wrath, and then move on. This was amazingly wrong. Comically wrong, in fact.
The last couple of years in my life, I’ve done a lot of work on myself, and one of the main issues I’ve run into is sharing how I truly feel. I never blow up on people – when I’m upset, I cover it up, never address it until I forget those feelings, then all is forgiven. I’ve recently strived to be much more honest when the people close to me hurt my feelings. I’m still not great at it. (This might be a story for a different day.)
At this point in the reading, Claire has given me three strikes. I won’t lie and say I was still all the way into it. I was pretty disillusioned and we’d barely begun. But then she continued with the rest of the cards. Simply put, here’s what she read: I have two men in my life, one a logical fellow and one a creative guy. Either would make me happy. Scratch that, I’m going to have a baby with the creative fellow. Having this baby would make me into who I was meant to be. The creative fellow was going to be “the master of my heart,” a great father, and very rich. This man was going to make sure I was taken care of and solve all my problems.
I sat for a moment, my head spinning. First of all, there is only one man in my life, who I found very hard to describe him as simply logical or creative. He’s grounded, yet charismatic. When Claire asked about my boyfriend, I went with calling him the “logical fellow,” and my future thus began to change to the point where Claire told me we would be breaking up in the next six months (taking back her original “you’ll be happy either way” comment), and within the next year I would be pregnant. Such concrete dates and times, I couldn’t help but laugh. What?
I jokingly said, “ah, so no creative pursuits for me then?” To which Claire very seriously frowned at me and replied, “motherhood is the ultimate creation.”
That was my cue to leave, because (eyeroll) I’m just not there in my life. And to be quite honest, I may never be there. Sorry to this older, small-town Texan, but I have zero interest in having kids. Sure, that may change, but I don’t think having kids makes me an “ultimate creator.” I don’t think I’d be willing to stop my creative pursuits, even if I did have kids. Sure, those creative endeavors might change shape or take a different tone – but I don’t think I’ll ever just quit being a creative spirit.
The fortune I got may sound great to some. It’s literally a fairytale. But personally, being told I was soon to have a family, that I could give up on my dreams, that “don’t worry, a man will take care of you,” was the most depressing thing I could’ve been told. (Not even taking the breakup with boyfriend thing into account – in fact it’s currently one of our favorite jokes.)
Feeling so torn lately on where my goals are in life, my writing, this very blog, my Instagram, the different opportunities that have come into my life, all the choices I have before me – this tarot reading really messed with my head. I started to mourn something I hadn’t even yet achieved. My first thought was, “I knew it. My path is popping out a few kids, then death.” (Dramatic? Maybe.) Wait. That can’t be right. All this work – for nothing? For kids I’m not interested in, and some man to solve all my problems. No thank you. So I woke up the very next morning, and laughed. I was going to let some stranger tell me, someone whose personality she got wrong, someone whose “hobbies” she’d shit on, someone who never blows up on anyone (you’re lucky, Claire) that I should stop dreaming? That nothing I was interested in pursuing mattered? Yeah, right!
And the thing is, maybe it all won’t matter. I have no clue what I’ll want in the next year, or in the next ten. But I’m not taking anyone’s word for it. I’m not letting anyone decide my fate. I’m going to continue to dream, and plan, and pursue. Even if this blog gets unread, my pictures on Instagram get unnoticed, my articles are never clicked on – I tried. I pursued creativity. I chased my passions. I dreamt of doing more. And I have and I do. I travel, I hike, I’m in pursuit of continual growth.
If you’re still reading along at this point (three times my usually blogpost length), I want to go back to the cards for a second. And read them through a different lens. The cards are supposed to be interpreted. There’s no “birth” card or “you’ll break up” card or “you’re done, son” card. If I read them through a new “creativity-focused” lens of interpretation, taking those same cards and the same path they were laid out I get something interesting:
I’m a person who can’t always see all the good, I tend to hyper focus on the faults and flaws. Achieving a higher focus means I’ll need to see all that I’m given, to be grateful for even having options. I have two options, to be logical or to go forward creatively. While both are good, if I was to move forward with full creativity, something amazing will come out of it. Stop thinking so hard on every project, and trust that my instincts are right on track. That’s how I’ll be happy. That’s how I’ll become who I’m meant to, to be rich in life. The cards can truly be read either way, with my pages of cups and swords, my empress and emperor, my fool cards. You can read them as literal men, or as mindsets. You can read them as defined or as ideas.
Or you could not read them at all. You can choose every day what makes you happy. I think it’s better living in the present anyway, don’t you?